Monday, January 26, 2015

The Clown Car Lurches in to 2nd Gear and Begins to Gain Speed . . .

Aside from Sarah Palin's spectacularly failed attempt at a Foster Brooks impersonation, there were some other conservative heavyweights (insert Chris Christie joke here) at Steve "Cantaloupe Thighs" King's Iowa cornshuckin' fab this past weekend.  Pursuant to such, The Gadfly thought it would be a fun little exercise to take a quick, drive-by look at the present crop of self-proclaimed front runners for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination.

Humor The Gadfly on this one for a bit dear readers -- for while admittedly this may appear to be nothing more than a partisan hit job on the GOP field, it really isn't.  Believe it or not, The Gadfly is approaching this undertaking, as unsavory as it is, with the very noble idea of voter education at the forefront of his mind.

So - while Mama Grizzly hasn't yet formally thrown her moose fur mukluks into the 2016 arena, her inebriated performance this past weekend certainly solidified her support among middle-aged, horny, white conservative males who'd cast a vote for her based solely on their sexually repressed fantasies of having just 5 minutes in bed with the naked, Uzi-toting and very boozy Caribou Barbie.

Setting aside the horrifying optics of that observation, allow The Gadfly to run down the list of Sarah Palin's competition for the Presidential throne, which quite honestly, for a  few of these asshats, is beginning to resemble Gollum's lust and obsession for his prized golden hoop:

Nonetheless, here's the cast of the GOP's clown car brigade:

Mitt Romney:  Twice failed Presidential candidate; still has yet to comprehend the dynamic behind why struggling, American working people find it difficult to warm to a guy who has elevators in his house for his cars.
Jeb Bush:  Bush ... the sins of the father and the older brother . . . oh fuck it . . . "Bush" - that's all anyone needs to know as to what to expect from this guy.
Rick Santorum:  Lol.  Just go read Charlie Pierce at Esquire to get a good insight in to what a colossal __d*ck____ Rick Santorum is.  Oh -- and man on dog.
Dr. Ben Carson:  While Dr. Carson has deservedly earned every laurel for his career as a successful pediatric neurosurgeon, perhaps he should perform some of that brain surgery on his own belfry for making utterly ludicrous statements such as Obamacare is worse than slavery, or that America under Obama is like Nazi Germany, or that ISIS can be compared to America's founding fathers.  Either way, he's delusional if he honestly believes that the Tea Party is ready for yet another negro, even one with as equally idiotic views as themselves, to continue residing in the people's "white" house.
Rand Paul:  Hmmm.  Supports legalization of drugs.  Is sick of our endless wars.  Critic of government's domestic spying activities.  And he's actually kind of socially liberal in many policy areas.  For that alone Paul will never be a GOP presidential nominee.  Ever.
Chris Christie:  He hugged Obama when Obama visited NJ after hurricane Sandy.  The Teatards will never forgive him for that and they are the kind of people who hold on to grudges like Linus holds on to his security blanket and his belief in The Great Pumpkin.  Oh yeah -- he's also under investigation for political corruption (which usually is a badge of honor for GOP'ers, but not when you're a fair weather conservative like Christie).
Rick Perry:  Dumb as box of rocks.  Viewed by many, including some in his own party, as the male version of Sarah Palin.  Believes Obama conspired to manufacture the Central American child immigrant crisis of this past summer.  Currently under indictment for political corruption in his home state of Texas.
Scott Walker:  Wisconsin political boy wonder.  Union buster.  Sock puppet and wholly owned subsidiary of billionaire industrialists and mega-polluters Charles and David Koch (Koch brothers).  Presently under investigation for political corruption.  Six former aides convicted of various felonies related to political corruption while serving under Walker.
Ted Cruz:  Arrogant.  God complex.  Shut down the government at a cost of $24 billion to U.S. taxpayers just because he could.  Nearly caused U.S. to default on it's national credit and nearly plunging a slowly recovering economy back in to deep recession, just because he's an asshole and just because he could.

and last but not fucking least . . .

Donald Trump:  Well . . . let's allow Jon Stewart to have the honors on this one . . . 

So basically the GOP 2016 Presidential Clown Car is proffering up to the American people --- a drunken half term governor of Alaska, a twice rejected Mormon oligarch, the latest progeny from the nation's most notorious political crime family, a guy with an unhealthy obsession with bestiality, a brain surgeon who doesn't seem to know how to utilize his own brain, a guy with liberaltarian ideas trying to pass himself off as a wingnut, a bullying NJ governor who dared to hug the dirty, communist, Kenyan usurper Obama and is under investigation for political corruption, two more asshats who have the authorities crawling up their asses in similar political corruption scandals, a pompous little prick who smugly patted himself on the back after shutting down the U.S. government at a cost of billions and is threatening to do it again in the new Congress, and to top the whole sordid lot off, a serial bankruptcy applicant who sent an army of investigators to Hawaii to uncover the Obama birth certificate conspiracy (except they didn't find shit) and who appears to have some deeply ingrained personal issues with women and black folk.

That is the sum total of your modern day conservative movement dear readers.  The motliest collection of haters, corporate sellouts, fundamentalist religious nuts, political grifters, con artists and buffoons that could possibly exist.

And they all desperately want the most powerful position in the world.

God help us all if any one of these bozos see their political ambitions become reality.


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